Until a few years ago, I thought life allotted only a certain amount of happiness. Like I had an individual good fortune quota and once reached… that’s it! I’m S.O.L., baby. Might as well brace for the inevitable misfortune to strike. After all, what made me so special? I’d already been so blessed during my short time on the planet, I surely didn’t deserve more of the good stuff. Life seemed merely a series of challenges and worries, obstacles and struggles, interspersed with a few victories and periods of precarious peace. It’s no wonder I was intermittently miserable for a good two decades.
The end of 8th grade, I recall as one of those
short-lived periods of satisfaction. I had supportive and fun friends, a boyfriend (also short-lived) who sang in a band, and exceptional
grades. My extra-curricular life was active and rich in music, playing both the
piano and the saxophone. I was starting the transition between adolescence and
young womanhood. I remember telling my mom (and lifelong confidant), “I feel
happy and content for the first time in as long as I can remember.”
Good grief.
Can you imagine hearing such a thing from
your beloved only child? Admittedly, junior high is hellish, but still!
I think this remission from constant anxiety and dis-ease
lasted for, oh, all of a week. Maybe two. At best.
I experienced the same brief fulfillment near the end of my college
freshmen year, which had also culminated in success. My first-year seminar research paper was chosen for presentation at an Honor’s conference. I’d landed a job at the
college radio station the next year. And I had a summer internship at a radio
station in my hometown. I was happy and proud of myself. But also scared. I
remember telling Mom this time that so many good things had been happening to
me lately, I felt sure that something bad was about to strike to even it all
out. After all, why was I deserving of so much good fortune? (Not
acknowledging, of course, how diligently and faithfully I had worked to bring
these good things into my life.)
A recent conversation with my Island Sista got me thinking
about this happiness quota thing. She voiced a fear she harbors about her
personal power. Namely, that the more power and strength she has, the less that will
be available to those around her. She
worries that HER power and energy and good fortune somehow suck those qualities
away from her husband and children. This prompted me to go on passionately and
at length about the difference between choosing to live under a Paradigm of Scarcity
verses a Paradigm of Abundance. (Ahem…Thanks,
Island Sista, for so graciously listening to my oration. And thanks to you too,
my dear readers, for reading these musings.)
Wait. I know what some of you are thinking. A Paradigm a
wha?
You know, a paradigm. (pair-a-dime)
A way of thinking. A set of beliefs that frame your vision and outlook on life.
If you live under a Paradigm of Scarcity—and most people still do, especially in
this “harsh economic reality”—you believe there is not enough to go around. The
pie can only be sliced so many times and into ever smaller pieces. You have to
get yours before I can get mine. The more you cling to what you have, the better
off you’ll be. By having a lot of money, success, love, happiness, status, and power,
you take away from the amount of those things available to everyone else.
This
kind of thinking sets us up to be stingy, greedy, defensive, anxious, jealous, tense,
and often angry. Yuck! I don’t know about you, but whenever I feel any of those
things in my body, it feels gross and unpleasant. And I’m likely to do and say
gross and unpleasant things. Which makes me feel even grosser and more unpleasant,
since I know that I’m truly a beautiful, kind, and loving person.
As with any core beliefs, our reality tends to reflect them.
Meaning, that what we believe about our existence dictates the thoughts in our heads,
and affects what will naturally display itself in our lives. Our external experiences reflect our internal
thoughts and beliefs. In this way, we create our own reality. My younger life
reflected my beliefs. I thought I only deserved wee amounts of good, so I was
only ever happy for wee amounts of time. Since I believed life worked that
way…my life, indeed, worked that way.
Now, if you have chosen to live under a Paradigm of Abundance,
you believe there is more than enough of everything to go around. The finite pie is a
fiction of our limited beliefs. In reality, we can bake enough pies to feed the world population and have plenty for leftovers.
Ultimately, the supply of money, success, love, happiness, and power is
infinite and available to anyone who desires and believes they deserve these
things. I can get mine AND you can get yours. The more I give, the more I
receive. Your good doesn't detract from my good. In fact, your good ENHANCES
my good, if only I allow it.
This kind of thinking sets us up to be generous,
flexible, supportive, peaceful, and loving. I don’t know about you, but when I
feel generous, flexible, supportive, peaceful, and loving…well…it gets all warm
and fuzzy in my body, and my heart seems to expand. Then I’m likely to spread those warm fuzzies
to everyone I encounter. And then they will spread those warm fuzzies to everyone
THEY encounter. And then we are truly experiencing the beautiful, kind and
loving people we are all meant to be.
I’m sure you’ve noticed that this sort of human emotional
domino effect can easily occur with pissiness and contempt too. Let us all try
not to do that any more.
Never once have I been
broke since adopting a Paradigm of Abundance about my financial security and
stopped constantly fretting about money. In fact, it has come to me more easily
and effortlessly. When I moved to the Virgin Islands almost three years ago, I
left an upwardly mobile position with full benefits in a successful growing
business. I laugh now at the memory of commuting home one evening on a Minneapolis
highway thinking, “I surely will never make less than _____ again. I have
nothing to worry about financially. It will only get better from here.”
And while I was right about part of that statement—the part
about not having to worry—I was certainly wrong about the never making less
than ______ bit. Because I took over a 50% pay cut when the first job I could
get on St. Thomas was in a coffee shop making little more than $10/hr with no
benefits (other than an unlimited supply of free coffee and tea). And you know
what? I was always fine. I didn’t get behind on my student loans. I had no
problem paying for my basic needs, or taking care of Hershey. While my bank
account was much closer to zero than it had been in recent years, my life felt
richer in many other ways. When I couldn’t pay for some bigger ticket items (a
plane ticket home for my girl Lissa’s wedding, a new hard drive and operating
system for my laptop), a couple of angels in my life were happy to make gifts
of those items to me. Gifts which I happily paid forward once I was in a place
of greater monetary abundance.
I want to stress that abundance encompasses much more than
money. Even when our coffers feel full and secure, we may feel deprived in other
areas. It has been far more difficult for me to make the shift to a Paradigm of
Abundance in the area of time. For the past 15 years—roughly half of my
life—there always seems to be far more on my to-do list than there is time in
which to get it all done. I create unsustainable
cycles or patterns and eventually burn out. My fellow members of the millennial
generation will surely recall the famed Saved
By The Bell episode when Jessie Spano reaches her breaking point, exclaiming, “There’s no time….there’s never any time…I don’t have time to
work…I have to study…I have to sing tomorrow…I’m so… so….scared.” And then she
crashes into Zach's protective arms. I pretty much do exactly the same thing. I am trying to remind myself that even though it seems like there is a
finite amount of time in a day, week, month, whatever…the more I focus on and
believe in the lack of time, the more my reality will reflect such beliefs.
One exercise I’ve been doing lately to shift my beliefs and
perception about time is to leisurely sing a certain Rolling Stones line to
myself as I go about my daily business. Whenever I notice thoughts like, “I’m
running out of time. I don’t have enough time to get all of this done,” running
through my head, I replace it with, “Tiiiiiiiime, is on my side, yes it is.”
And then I just loop it and I’m good to go. The fretting stops and I move
forward.
We already know that the concept of time is subjective. When we’re bored and want to be doing something other than what we’re doing, time d r a g s. When we’re completely engaged in what we’re doing, time flies. The more I believe at my core that time is on my side, the more time I will find in my life. Feeling abundant only creates more abundance—even if your logical mind can’t comprehend how it could possibly work. It does.
We already know that the concept of time is subjective. When we’re bored and want to be doing something other than what we’re doing, time d r a g s. When we’re completely engaged in what we’re doing, time flies. The more I believe at my core that time is on my side, the more time I will find in my life. Feeling abundant only creates more abundance—even if your logical mind can’t comprehend how it could possibly work. It does.
If I could talk to my 14 and 19 year old selves, I would
tell them (oh gawd, what I would tell them!) from the other side of the mirror:
“Sweetie…Baby girl…My darling Ashley…Relax! Stop. Breathe. Smile. Know this, my love, you deserve to be happy. Know that accomplishment doesn’t have to be difficult and strenuous. You accomplish more when you’re having fun! YOUR GOOD IS UNLIMITED. The only person who can keep you from your unlimited good is you, sweetheart. And remember that your 29-year-old self loves you more than you can imagine.”
“Sweetie…Baby girl…My darling Ashley…Relax! Stop. Breathe. Smile. Know this, my love, you deserve to be happy. Know that accomplishment doesn’t have to be difficult and strenuous. You accomplish more when you’re having fun! YOUR GOOD IS UNLIMITED. The only person who can keep you from your unlimited good is you, sweetheart. And remember that your 29-year-old self loves you more than you can imagine.”
Honestly, I could really benefit from my 29-year-old self
telling this to my 29-year old self daily from the other side of the mirror.
Here’s what I told my Island Sista: the best part of living
under a Paradigm of Abundance is that it’s contagious. Island Sista’s personal
power can expand to her children and
husband, boosting their own. In a very real way, she is showing her young
daughters how to be a strong, successful, and loving woman. She can use her
strength to empower others, not just her family, but damn near everyone she
encounters. Power, success, inspiration….these
things are not scarce…there is plenty available to everyone who desires and even
more importantly, believes they deserve them. Many of us are phenomenally
talented at denying and/or limiting our own good. When we stop limiting
ourselves, we choose to love ourselves, and in loving ourselves, we can truly
love others.
We make a choice every day. Every minute. How do we want to view the
world? And how does our view affect the way we treat others? And how does the way we
treat others affect how they treat others, and so on?
Your good is unlimited. And so is everyone else’s. We must only believe it is so, and then
choose to operate as such.
Three Small Steps to Shift from a Paradigm of Scarcity to Abundance.
- · Never skimp on a tip…round up to 21% rather than down to 19% (NEVER tip less than 20% unless you have terrible service. Plus, the math is easy. Figure out 10% and double it.) Throw more than a few coins in the barista bucket at the coffee shop and you will make someone’s day. This is an especially powerful action when you feel a strong lack yourself. I tip generously and lovingly and have NEVER run out of money because I over-tipped. (I have never run out of money since shifting to abundance-based thinking, period. Close! But never completely. Funds have come to me in unexpected ways when I needed it most.)
- · Allow yourself small indulgences that are significant to you. For example, I love colorful gel pens that write luxuriously. They make me happy. For some reason, they make my life feel more vivid and rich. Ballpoint pens feel cheap and lackluster to me. So even though the pens I like are much more expensive than the ballpoint kind, I never deny myself the luxury of writing with the pens I enjoy. Even when my bank account was much closer to zero, I always let myself splurge on writing utensils, and felt richer and more abundant for it.
- · Before you go to bed each night, write down five things from your day for which you are grateful. This is a powerful practice that I truly miss whenever I go through a time period of not doing it. It expands your consciousness of gratitude, and attracts even more blessings into your life. See an example on the sidebar of this here blog.
Nature's Abundance |